One of the hardest aspects of parenting (for me at least) is keeping my calm in the midst of a storm of emotions with my little ones. Let’s face it – when someone we love is in distress (whether we understand the why behind their feelings or not), it can be hard to stay regulated ourselves. Keeping our calm and choosing to be with our children during moments of distress is called co-regulation. Co-regulation is often a buzz word you’ll hear in the parenting and mental health world because it is so incredibly important – and challenging. In play therapy, we are constantly co-regulating with children in the therapy room and practicing this important skill with parents. So why is it so important? Let’s break it down!
As I mentioned earlier, I define co-regulation as being with our children when they are distressed, in a way that models empathy, compassion, and a sense of calmness. It is lending our empathetic and calm nervous system state to our child. Co-regulation is not to be confused with ignoring our own emotions to support our children. It is actively managing our own emotions to help our children learn to manage their emotions.
Why is Co-Regulation So Important?
Within the first 3 months of life, children begin seeking connection with their caregivers. Think about a 3 month old baby who smiles and coos when we play peek a boo with them. Maybe they move their arms up and down for a few seconds while they smile at you, or slightly wiggle their body as they make eye contact with you. As parents, when we raise our voice in excitement during these moments of connection and then lower our voice to a soothing tone and give a gentle sway back and forth when our baby gets fussy, this is our way of helping our baby regulate their body. We’re co-regulating with them. Babies do not yet have the higher level brain functions (the prefrontal cortex part of the brain) to learn what to do when they’re in emotional distress. These moments continue on through early and late childhood, and even into those challenging teen years. Co-regulation is so important throughout our child’s lifespan because it supports our children when they do not have the ability to access those higher level brain functions. Let’s face it, even us adults sometimes cannot think clearly when someone cuts us off on the road or is rude to us at a restaurant. Every human can go into fight or flight mode when angry or frustrated. When we co-regulate with anyone, we are offering a moment of connection, helping the person get back to a state of regulation.
How Does Co-Regulation Look?
Co-regulation can be several actions we take to express to our child I’m here for you. You’re not alone in this. The first tip I always provide others is to first check in with themselves. See if you need a moment to take some breaths, get a drink of water, or even squeeze a stress ball. If we are going to offer a grounding presence for someone, it is absolutely important we take a moment to attend to ourselves first. This takes practice, especially in those in between moments when things are flowing smoothly. Often these moments are the most effective for practicing mindfulness to help our nervous system practice being regulated. Once we’re ready to co-regulate with our child, we can do any (or all) of the following actions:
- Tone of voice: Shifting our tone of voice from a heightened state to a soothing, gentle state can support in calming down the nervous system.
- Active Listening: Sometimes, our children just need to know we are truly listening without judgment. Instead of trying to fix everything right away, let them express what they’re feeling.
- Modeling Calmness: Your calm demeanor can help your child calm down too. If you stay grounded, it provides a sense of security and reassurance.
- Validation: Acknowledge their feelings. Saying things like “I can see that you’re upset” helps children feel understood and less alone in their emotional state.
- Physical Presence: If appropriate, a gentle touch or a comforting presence can work wonders. Sometimes just sitting next to them or offering a hug can help them feel more centered.
What About the Consequence of a Child’s Actions?
I certainly believe there should be consequences. After all, without consequences, how can we fully prepare our children for those natural consequences that come with life? However, I always encourage parents to give children the opportunity to co-regulate before introducing consequences. If a child is in flight or fight mode, chances are that increasing our voice to a yell and issuing consequences will only drive fear behaviors from our child, and the consequence will not stick for the right reasons. Co-regulation allows children the opportunity to reflect on their behavior and understand why it was an issue. This leads to:
- Stronger emotional regulation skills: When we regulate together, we teach how to manage big feelings in the future.
- Improved relationships: Instead of creating distance through punishment, you foster trust and understanding.
- A more thoughtful response: Once the emotional storm has passed, our children are more likely to understand and accept consequences.
Putting It Into Practice
So, what does co-regulation look like in everyday situations? Here are some examples:
- With kids: Instead of reacting strongly to our child when they react strongly, take a moment to connect. “I see that you’re really frustrated. Let’s take some deep breaths together before we talk about what happened.” This helps children calm down first and gives them space to reflect.
- With a partner: If your partner is upset, maybe even in the worst possible moment like during an important family gathering, co-regulation can look like approaching them with empathy. You might say “I can tell you’re really stressed. I’m here for you when you want to talk and understand if you need a break at this moment.” This creates a safe space to talk about feelings without escalating an already frustrating situation.
- With yourself: Co-regulation isn’t just about helping others—it’s also about supporting our nervous system in regulation. If you’re feeling overwhelmed, give yourself permission to take a break, breathe, or step away before addressing whatever is causing the stress.
Co-regulation is an incredibly valuable tool for nurturing emotional growth in ourselves and those around us. By offering emotional support before rushing into consequences, you create space for connection, understanding, and thoughtful reflection. It’s a shift that can make a big difference in how we handle difficult situations.
Related Posts
