As parents, we spend a lot of time hoping for the "good" behaviors—listening the first time, following directions, showing respect, handling disappointment well. But what if those behaviors don't begin with discipline strategies or consequences? What if they begin with connection?
When we build connection with our children, when we delight in them for exactly who they are, we equip them with confidence, safety, belonging, and love. The behaviors we hope to see on the outside are often rooted in what our children feel on the inside.
Dr. Becky Kennedy, a clinical psychologist and parent expert, talks about the idea of "connection capital." Imagine your relationship with your child as a bank account. Every positive interaction is a deposit, and every request, correction, limit, or conflict is a withdrawal. The goal isn't to avoid withdrawals—they are a normal and necessary part of parenting. The goal is to build a healthy reserve of connection so that the relationship remains strong even when challenges arise.
The Daily Withdrawals
Withdrawals happen all day long.
"Please clean your room."
"It's time to turn off the screen."
"Bring your jacket—you might get cold."
"Brush your teeth."
"Finish your homework."
As parents, we want our children to listen, respect family rules, and trust that we are looking out for them. These moments become much easier to navigate when there is a strong foundation of connection underneath them. When children feel deeply connected to us, our guidance is less likely to feel like control and more likely to feel like support.
So how do we build connection capital?
Here are two of my favorite ways to make meaningful deposits into your child's connection account.
1. Prioritize "You and Me Time"
There are only two rules:
Put your phone down.
Enter your child's world.
Children spend most of their time participating in our world—following our schedules, attending our activities, and adapting to our responsibilities. "You and Me Time" is an opportunity to step into theirs.
Everything else is up to you.
Maybe it's ten minutes of playing house, building with blocks, racing cars, or creating a fort. For older children, it might look like:
"Show me the Minecraft world you've been working on."
"Teach me how this game works."
"Tell me about your favorite YouTuber."
The goal is not to teach, question, critique, or improve what they're doing. The goal is simply to enjoy being with them.
When children experience us as genuinely interested in what matters to them, they feel valued. They feel seen.
One of the unexpected benefits of regular You and Me Time is that it strengthens trust. When you consistently follow through on spending time together, your child begins to believe you when you say:
"I need to finish what I'm doing, but then we'll have some You and Me Time."
Trust grows when our words and actions match.
2. Practice Positive Interpretation
This one can be challenging because many of us are quick to make assumptions when we encounter our children in difficult situations.
Positive Interpretation is the practice of assuming the best—or at least practicing what it would look like to assume the best.
Think about how good it feels when a partner, friend, or coworker assumes that you're doing your best, even when you've made a mistake. Children need that same grace.
Positive Interpretation asks us to pause and wonder:
"What is the most reasonable and understanding way I can look at what just happened?"
An Example
Imagine your child is still playing Roblox even though you've already asked them twice to put the iPad away.
It's easy for the situation to turn into a power struggle:
"Ugh! You never listen. I told you to put that down. I swear you're addicted to that screen."
But Positive Interpretation offers a different path:
"Man, it's hard to stop playing when you're right in the middle of something. I get it. I asked you to put the iPad away. Would you like to turn it off yourself, or do you think you need some help?"
Notice the difference.
Instead of assuming, "You aren't listening because you want to disobey me," we're considering, "You're engaged in something enjoyable and transitioning away from it is difficult."
The expectation remains the same—the iPad still needs to be put away. The limit doesn't disappear. What changes is the lens through which we view our child.
When we consistently assume the best of our children, we communicate an important message:
"I believe you're trying."
And over time, children begin to internalize that belief about themselves.
Connection First
Building connection capital doesn't mean being permissive or avoiding boundaries. Children need limits. They need guidance. They need adults who can confidently lead.
But boundaries are most effective when they are built upon a strong relational foundation.
The next time you're faced with a difficult moment, consider whether there's an opportunity to make a deposit before making a withdrawal. A few minutes of connection, a moment of delight, or a more generous interpretation of your child's behavior can have a powerful impact over time.
Connection doesn't solve every parenting challenge—but it creates the foundation from which growth, cooperation, and resilience can flourish.
Sources:
Kennedy, B. (2022). Good inside: A guide to becoming the parent you want to be. Harper Wave.
Powell, B., Cooper, G., Hoffman, K., & Marvin, B. (2014). The circle of security intervention: Enhancing attachment in early parent–child relationships. The Guilford Press.
